Steps
by indigowaterbears
Summary: Addison comes to Seattle after getting an interesting phone call. Set somewhere during 11x22


"Doctor Shepherd, there is someone here to see you, says she's your sister, she's waiting down in the lobby."

Amelia smiled and thanked the nurse hoping her face didn't show how annoyed she was on the inside. He'd allowed her to find a way to deal with life in a way that didn't involve drugs or alcohol, it was full of emotions and tears and pain and nightmares, but the cravings were better and the need to self-medicate was less insistent every passing day. Of course, it was Owen's presence, a constant in her life these days, which helped even more than her break down and her new approach to life, she didn't know what that was and had quietly decided she was in no shape to figure that out, so until he mentioned anything she's just let it happen. He was her rock. Another thing she was in no shape for was one of her sisters, at least she hoped it was just one of them. Breathing deeply and calming herself for whoever it was she was going to find sitting down in the lobby. As she made her way down the stairs she tried to take a peek to see if she could spot any of them. She felt a painful tug at her heart at the passing thought that she only had sisters now. No brother. No more Derek, no more Mark.

However, she felt like melting when she spotted the familiar red hair. The smile on her face stretched as far as it went these days, it was one of her sisters, just not one of the wolves. Amelia locked eyes with Addison and she felt at home. She could see the same shadow of pain and loss in the other woman's eyes, she'd been married to Derek for over a decade and fought tooth and nail to try and fix the marriage when it started to fall apart, she was at least half as in pain as she was. She'd loved Derek and she understood, she knew. Before she even knew it she was in her arms holding on for dear life, mindful of the fact that they were standing in a busy lobby and she wasn't about to make a scene, not another one. Amelia didn't cry, she didn't have any more tears to cry, but the hug made her want to break down to pieces all over again.

She pulled back a little. "What are you doing here?"

Addison smiled and cupped her cheek the same way she did when she was twelve. "It's so good to finally see you. I called you about a million times." When Amelia nodded awkwardly and started to shift on her feet uncomfortably, biting her cheek and looking down, but she saved her from making up something to apologise for that. "I needed to see you with my own eyes."

Amelia tilted her head, if Addison had wanted to come and see her she wouldn't have waited months and months. She narrowed her eyes at her. Instantly, she realised she might be checking up on her as in checking if she was sober, the only person who would think to do that was dead, so that left her. It was irritating, but she couldn't fault her for that, after all if Owen hadn't come back when he did, she probably would be balls deep in oxy all over again. She gave Addison a look that said, without the need for words, that she wanted the whole story and she wanted it now, they were standing in a relatively isolated area, so there was no reason not to hold it in anymore.

"Owen Hunt called me." She said simply. Amelia's eyebrows rose so high they disappeared in her hairline and the effort she put into looking as confused and surprised was incredibly amusing. The surprise was genuine. "He suggested you might benefit from seeing me and I volunteered to come up so we could spend some time together." Then she looked down at her perfectly white skirt and wrinkle free shirt flowing over it. "I have wanted to do it for a while, but I didn't want to pressure you, I didn't want you to feel like I was checking up on you."

Amelia nodded. She knew it wasn't an excuse and seeing as she talked to Owen he must have already assured her she wasn't snorting narcotics with her morning coffee. "What about Jake and Henry?"

She brushed Amelia off. "Oh, they're off on a man only camping trip."

"So, Owen called you?"

"Why, yes he did and you are going to tell me all about that, but later." She took Amelia's hand and squeezed until she turned up to look at her. "Now you go find the chief and you tell him you are leaving early and to find someone to cover up for you. We are going wherever you want and we can talk or eat or you could listen me rambling about Henry or we can just sit in silence, your choice, but I'm not taking no for an answer."

Amelia felt the corners of her lips stretch her cheeks shyly, she was so happy to have Addie here, she felt a bit of normalcy shining through the cracks of her life. "You do know Owen is the chief, don't you?"

Addison smiled mischievously. "Of course I do." Instead of the blush she expected to see on Amelia's face, she saw her face fall and noticed the way her lower lip was trembling. "What's wrong?"

Amelia looked down, wringing her hands in her lap. "I don't really feel like going out anywhere."

"It's okay, we can stay in."

"Addie I still live there." She didn't need to ask where there was. She couldn't go to his house, it would have been weird had he still been alive, but now it was a big no-no. she could tell, also, from Amelia's tone that while she did live there, she hadn't lived there really in a while and she felt worry creep up in her, she pushed it down fast enough so that Amelia wouldn't notice, but before she could ask Amelia spoke again. "Will you come to the trailer instead?"

Oh, she remembered the trailer. Not one of her fondest memories of Seattle and definitely not as Derek free as she would have liked, but this wasn't about her, she was still grieving, but in a week she'd be back to her perfect house, with her perfect husband and perfect child. "That thing's still standing? Don't tell me you're staying in… _there_."

"I'm not." Amelia answered, trying to decide whether she should ask about the tone of disapproval in her voice or rather the tone of utter disgust, Addison Montgomery in a trailer in the woods was something she'd pay good money to see. "Actually, Owen lives there."

Addison smirked, but didn't say anything, the atmosphere did not allow for that, not yet at least. "Okay, then. Go and do everything you have to do and meet me here when you're ready to leave."

The drive up to the woods was mostly quiet and neither seemed to want to break the silence, it was comfortable to the both of them. It was literally a trip down memory lane for Addison, not one she thought she'd ever get to take, not one she ever wanted to take. In hindsight she thought of her time in the woods with Derek fondly, but it hurt back then and it sure was going to hurt now, though, seen as someone else was living in the trailer it might look different enough from what she remembered to be as painless as possible. Glancing at Amelia out of the corner of her eye she noticed the spaced out look on her face. She was driving, but she looked lost in thought. She hadn't seen her in such pain since her baby died and even then she'd had months to prepare herself, not that it made it any easier, but Derek's death had come as a shock to everyone. Her brief talk with Owen on the phone only gave her a superficial idea of what she had to have been going through and right this second she looked like she was barely keeping it together, after almost ten months she was still feeling like this, it was a plain miracle she hadn't turned to drugs again.

Walking in she carefully watched Amelia moving around with a familiarity that made her warm and happy and a nervous wreck all at the same time. When she had come out to Seattle nobody had expected her to never come back, it had been a complete shock and poor James was still sulking around the hospital. Amelia had called to assure her that the life here was exactly what she wanted and that LA was too full of bad memories to stay any longer. Addison took a moment to look around – this place looked exactly the same. As soon as she felt tears well up in her eyes she turned back to Amelia, this was about her, not to revisit every single spot that reminded her of Derek, she'd cried enough when she got the call, now it was about making sure she was whoever Amelia needed her to be. She sat on the sofa, on the far side, on the little space near the corner, facing the door. Amelia followed suit and sat cross legged on the longer side of it. She didn't look up at Addison, she couldn't because the things she wanted to say were going to make her cry tears she didn't have and she was painfully aware of that.

"I'm here if you want to talk, just… I'm here."

Amelia nodded, but still said nothing at all. Talking about this with Addison was so much different than with anybody else, sure everyone at the hospital had lost a colleague and a friend, but she was different, she had been a part of her life for so long she might as well be her sister for real. "He's gone, Addie. He's never, ever coming back." She wasn't crying, her voice was trebling and small and watery and she sounded exactly like when she realised her dad wouldn't be there to take her picture before going to prom. Addison put a hand on her knee, waiting for Amelia to get it all out.

"I'm so, so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you." She said and Amelia nodded because while the words she'd heard countless times by total strangers in the past few months, from her she knew it was the truth, the whole truth, because she knew exactly what Derek was to her.

So she turned to look at her. "I didn't even get to see him, you know? They just told me, like it was the most natural thing in the world and then they stared… I thought they'd get tired after a few days or weeks, but they kept on staring, waiting for me to fall apart. I thought they were horrible and I thought I was winning by keeping it all together and showing that I was stronger than what they thought-" her voice broke and she turned her gaze back to her lap, but her eyes were still dry. After crying herself to sleep for weeks now, tears were hard to come by. "But I'm not. I'm not strong, I'm not that strong."

"Yes, yes you are Amelia. You are strong." She insisted, hoping she would turn to look at her.

Amelia shook her head, biting the inside of her cheek. "It's not strong. I wasn't strong, Addie. I wasn't." sensing the change in Amelia's voice she looked at her until she was met by blue eyes, looking sad and sorrowful and also… ashamed. "I tried to ignore it, I pretended it didn't happen so that it wouldn't hurt and it worked, it worked so well. Until it didn't. I spent months burying myself in work, I think there was a time I didn't leave the hospital for two weeks straight. Then one day I was pacing on the deck with a bag full of oxy in my hands."

Addison's heart sank. She couldn't have, could she? Gathering all her composure, she didn't flinch or frown or give away any sign of the battle going on inside of her. "What happened?"

Amelia gave her a half dimpled smile. "Owen came over. He didn't know, but I – uh, I told him. I think a part of me didn't want to take it after all. Not after what happened last time."

"So, he took it away."

"He did a little more than that." She didn't really feel like doing all the telling and explaining, but when Addison looked at her, gave her a look that made her realise she was getting this all wrong, she had to explain. _All_ of it. "He told me I had to feel it, he made me feel it and it hurt – oh, Addie it hurt so much. I'm still hurting so bad some days I don't even know how long I'll be able to hold out for. I don't even know how I've managed to keep it together enough to work."

"From where I'm standing, or sitting, you're doing as well as it can be expected."

Amelia snorted. "Yeah, right."

"Yeah." Addison managed to grab one of Amelia's hands and brought over on her lap, holding it with both of hers. "And you do know that we'd all love it if you decided to come down for a visit, right? You still have your room at my place and you can bring whomever you want and come play with all the kids on the beach or go cut into people's heads, whichever you prefer. We miss you, a lot."

Amelia pressed her lips together, her family in LA was there for her, always, but she knew that. She knew that and knew that – apart from Addison – they wouldn't understand. She needed space and they weren't good at space. There was also the fact that going down there would remind her of Ryan and her baby, just like going to see her mother would remind her of her dad, Derek and Mark. Living in the hospital was the least of all evils. She could move somewhere nobody knew her, just like Meredith had done, just disappear. Her history didn't allow her to be alone, though, she couldn't be alone or that night on the deck would have happened months earlier and it would have ended to be out to be the first of an infinite series of nights.

"Why does it keep happening to me?" she turned to Addison, her question wasn't rhetorical, but an actual genuine question. "Why do all the men around me leave? They die and they leave and I'm alone. Is it me? What's wrong with me, Addie?"

Addison scooted over on the sofa until she was sitting close enough to physically grab Amelia and pull her closer. Wrapping an arm around her shoulder and caressing her hair with her other hand she patiently waited for Amelia to break down, cry, sob until she couldn't breathe, but when she didn't she held her just as tight.

"Not everyone leaves. Sheldon is still here and so is James and so is Jake. I know it's not the same, but you can't believe you're cursed or that you are some sort of angel of death. You had enough bad luck to last you a lifetime." Addison smiled, leaning her head against Amelia's.

Amelia, though, shook her head. "That's what I thought last time and then my baby died and then Mark and now Derek. Maybe if I hadn't come here at all he would still be alive."

Addison pulled back, keeping her hand on Amelia's cheek so that she wouldn't be able to look away. "Would he still have been on that road if you hadn't been here?" Amelia nodded, he was going to DC, whether she was there or not. "So it's not you. These things just happen, okay?"

"It's not okay."

She just kept stroking Amelia's hair. "No, it's not."

They stayed like that for quite a long time, neither interested in knowing exactly how long, it could have just been a few minutes after all, just as well as it could have been an hour. At a point Addison started wishing Amelia would cry and dissolve in tears, because it was getting harder and harder for her to hold on and keep it all together and she didn't want to break down in front of Amelia, she was here to support her, not the other way around. Then there was the fact that as the situation sunk in it started to feel weirder with each passing moment, she was in the trailer in which she'd lived with Derek and Meredith's dog, another man was living here now and she was sitting here with Amelia. It all made such little sense she gave up trying to figure it out before her brain fried. She tried to look at Amelia, but her face was turned away from her and her head was pressed so close to her shoulder there was no way to take a peek without her noticing, so she rubbed her shoulder firmly, effectively waking her from the trance she was in.

"Is this a bad time to ask about Owen?" she tried in the effort of lightening the mood and calm her fears about whatever it was Amelia had got herself into this time.

Amelia straightened up and felt her cheeks stretch out in a smile she had not officially authorised. Apparently, there was a part of her that acted on its own free will – being a brain doctor she knew very well there was, but smiles was something she didn't have in abundance lately, she'd most likely ran out telling all those morbid and creepy jokes for such a long time. "Sorry to disappoint, but there's not that much to tell." Addison's eyebrow in an elegant arch told her there was no way she'd get away with just that. "Look I don't know what it is. I'm hardly ready to get involved into anything more than eating and sleeping and working."

"But?"

She felt her cheeks heat up. Things with Owen were complicated and hard and she wouldn't want it any other way. She'd pushed him away half expecting him to push back a lot more than he did, but when he didn't it hurt so bad already she decided it wasn't worth the pain, on top of the rest of pain and guilt she carried around everyday. Amelia took a deep breath, shaking her head. "There was a thing and I messed it up. And I'm not sure how to fix it – or even if I want to."

Addison frowned. "Because you told him you had drugs?"

"No, he knew about that – not that I had them that night, but he knew all about _that_. Hell, he is the only one here that knows about my baby, not even Derek knew." She sighed, this was not going the way she was expecting, mostly because she'd never said the words out loud and hearing them she realised how big of a mess everything was. It sure wasn't going the way Addison was expecting either. "I told him about my baby. Two doctors at the hospital… their baby had osteogenesis imperfecta, they had scheduled an induction termination and I was a wreck all day long. He noticed and kept checking up in me, respectfully, I thought I didn't want anyone to know, but it was nice, he was sweet without pressuring me into… anything."

"Oh, come on Amy, don't make me drag it out of you."

The nickname must have slipped, but instead of making her sad it made her happy, or rather, it brought her back to a time where there was no Seattle and no divorces and no dead babies, when the two of them would sit out on her mother's porch talking and gossiping. Regressing felt nice, it finally felt comfortable thinking about Derek like that, things had been so different it might as well have been an entirely different life. "I did this stupid thing, I went to visit him at the trailer and I brought water – who does that? Bring water over, I can't drink, but I could have swiped something from… anyway, he kissed me. Then I ignored him for a while with the excuse of that monster tumour and then I kind of let things happen."

"So," Addison sat up straight, the look on her face made Amelia feel all kinds of better, this felt so normal she could actually cry right now. She'd missed having someone to talk to like this, even when Meredith was there they were never really friends. "Let me get this straight. When was this?"

Amelia counted the months in her head, what she came up with made shocked her more than she realised. "Almost a year ago."

"What happened, then?"

"I freaked." She smiled coyly. She'd left the state when James proposed, at least this time she hadn't moved who even knows where. "It was… unlike anything I have ever… I pushed him away and at first he tried to come around, but timing was bad and then… well, Derek died."

Addison's brow furrowed. "You two are not…"

Amelia's eyebrows raised, suddenly brain surgery seemed easy in comparison. The situation wasn't complicated, not on the surface, but all those big feelings that had scared her to death at first were now amplified tenfold by the grief and pain still looming over her and that would be around for a long time still. "Together? Honestly, I don't think we ever were."

Addison sat up straighter, feeling awkward and uncomfortable all of a sudden. She squeezed her eyes shut, as if upon reopening them they find themselves somewhere else entirely, somewhere where all these things made sense. "So, what are you exactly? Friends?"

Amelia took a deep breath, leaning back against the sofa, fingering a throw blanket that lay abandoned on her side, opposite Addison. She wrinkled her nose thinking about that best way to describe their relationship at the moment, it was a very quick reflection, though, as there was no way to label it. "I really have no idea. We went from colleagues to sleepovers to fighting to him taking drugs from my hands. I don't know what that is."

"Amelia," she said warningly, obviously her worries and fear had been somehow justified. "we are sitting in the trailer where he lives without him, there is something going on for sure. Have you been staying here? You know you can tell me, whatever it is."

She just shrugged her shoulders. "I slept here for some time after that night. I didn't trust myself alone and I think he felt better about me being here. I was a mess Addie, I think I cried myself to sleep for days and days."

"Okay, so friends? I don't want to pressure you, I'm just trying to understand."

Amelia nodded, she could understand that. "Yes, in theory, but it doesn't feel like that. I mean, it's completely platonic now, but it doesn't feel like that at all, it's… bigger, does that make sense?"

Addison smiled warmly, Amelia was the closest thing she ever had to a sister, even after the divorce the bond was still there and in a second all her worries and fears were gone. "It makes a lot of sense, actually. He sounds like an amazing guy."

"He is." She sighed sadly and Addison gave her a questioning look. "After… a while, he left. He went back to Iraq. I understand he needed to leave and deal with stuff in his own way, but he left, you know. After months and months that he didn't come back I thought he was dead too, it's irrational because if he had died the hospital would have known and I would have known, but it still felt like he was gone too. He came back that night."

Addison took Amelia's hand in her own. She was terrified, not without reason, but she couldn't live that way. "Amelia look at me." She waited until she did. "He's not going to die – well I can't be completely sure of that, but he's not going to die because he's with you. You're not poison, you're a strong person with a lot of bad luck. Trust him. Let him help you."

"It's easier said than done." She sniffled, luckily her eyes were still dry.

As if on cue there was a knock on the door and a second later Owen stepped in, not at all surprised to find the two of them on the sofa. He smiled awkwardly at Addison, they had crossed paths a couple times over the years, but never spoke a word to one another. He had called her because of Amelia and they had spent an hour on the phone talking about her, but it still didn't feel like they even qualified as aquaintances. If when he first came in he got the distinct feeling that he was interrupting something, they were both now looking at him. Amelia had that same beaming look in her eyes as always when they were separated for long enough, while she had never bothered to verbally out her feelings, that look was it for him, it was all he needed until she was ready to say it. The look Addison gave him, however, told him the carefree afternoon he'd hoped they would spend, they had passed discussing anything but carefree things. She was staring up at him with a mixture of gratitude and admiration, but still with an uneasy edge to it, as if she had yet to decide whether she could trust him completely, as one would expect. He plopped down on the sofa next to Amelia, his hand moving unconsciously to tangle in her hair, something Addison noticed with a slight note of amusement, it was obvious whatever was going on here was far, far away from platonic.

"I'm not sure what there's to eat around here, so you are more than welcome to go out," he turned to Amelia. "maybe that new place we went to last week, uh?"

Amelia looked back and forth between Owen and Addison, avoiding the smile in the red head's eyes and trying with all her might not to close her own eyes and lean into Owen while he unconsciously played with her hair. She could just tell him to stop, but that would defeat the entire purpose of pretend what he was doing to her was making her want to just crawl up in bed with him and sleep. "Uh, I don't know, we didn't get that far…"

"Sounds good, you should come too," Addison smiled mischievously, she was well aware this was going to be torture for Amelia, but it was a good kind of torture and it surely was going to be a distraction big enough to allow them a relatively happy night. "I mean, if you don't have other plans."

Owen looked at her fighting the urge to shake his head. She was not making the slightest effort to be subtle and from the look on Amelia's face he just had to go with it. "No, I've nothing planned. I just though you'd want to spend some time just you two."

Addison waved at him. "It's fine, we'll have plenty of time for that, I'm staying for a few days after all."

Amelia stood suddenly, feeling the awkwardness around her a little overwhelming. Her and Owen were working so well in this silent and reciprocal connection, she slept in his bed and some times woke up in his arms, some other times she'd wake before dawn and she would go sit on the sofa, trying not to cry and not to wake him. Most times she would eventually slip back under the covers taking full advantage of the way he pulled her close to him, even in his sleep, a few rare times he'd wake, feeling her absence in bed and would sit next to her, letting her cry on his shoulder. Both knew there would come a time when this would have to be defined and whatever their decision they would need to move on, be it together or apart. But not now and not today, not tomorrow either.

"Okay, then. I'll go grab something warmer and we can go." She announced, leaving the trailer fast as she could closing the door behind her.

Owen looked briefly at Addison, not expecting her to be staring at him he adverted her eyes and looked down at his hands, uncharacteristically wringed in his lap. He wasn't usually like this, especially since he didn't know this woman, he knew how important she was to Amelia, even more so now that Derek wasn't there for her anymore, but still had a way of making him feel like he was sitting right outside the principal's office. Actually, it made him feel like he was sitting in front of Amelia's mother, something he guessed would happen eventually, but he'd met her, not as her daughter's… whatever he was and she'd liked him. Addison had this way of narrowing her eyes at him in a scrutinising and intrigued way he found incredibly intimidating, she was quite a woman, leave it to Derek to find them all.

Sensing Owen's uneasiness, Addison took pity on the man and spoke. "Thank you."

He frowned, out of all the things he'd been expecting to hear, this was definitely not one of them.

"For not letting her relapse. I don't know how much you know, but I honestly don't think she could make it through that again. I can't afford to lose her, so thank you." Addison smiled, it was smaller and tighter and he noticed then, her eyes was sad and there was fear shadowing the blue.

He nodded, understanding a little better what she was talking about. "I don't know how much I know, frankly, so I'll have to take your word for it. I think she had no intention to take anything, though, she would have if I had not shown up, I'm quite sure of that, but she didn't want to. I really don't think she did, she seems like she's still putting the pieces together and is well aware how catastrophic it would be for her to go down that road again, so really it was all her."

Addison looked surprised, she tried to hide it, but the sentiment was so genuine he noticed. It wasn't Amelia's openness that sparked the shock in her, but rather the deep understanding this man had of Amelia. From what she'd told her he knew some things and, if she knew her little sister, he was missing fundamental details, but he still had managed to grasp the mystery that was Amelia Shepherd. For the first time since getting his phone call and coming to Seattle, Addison felt comfort wash over her. "And thank you for being here for her." when she saw him about to argue she interrupted and explained. "I know she doesn't need checking up on and babysitting and she's an adult, I do and I trust her. Truth is, she actually does, she'll never admit it, but she not only needs it, she wants it. Don't get me wrong, it's not guidance she needs, she's head strong and driven enough herself, I'm talking about support and understanding and love. She needs someone to catch her before she falls, not someone to constantly hold her hand. From what I've seen you've been doing an amazing job at that."

"Thank you." Coming from her it must mean a lot. She was in a way giving her blessing to – well, to whatever it was he and Amelia would become. "I'm just… I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time."

Addison tilted her head, she could see it was not false modesty he was showing, but true concern and with Amelia that was unfortunately a very common feeling. "I've known her for a very long time and you're doing just fine – whatever it is, keep it on. Her own mother doesn't know what she's doing with her most of the time, that's Amelia, not you."

"That's not comforting at all."

She chuckled. "Let me put it this way, Amelia has suffered a lot in her life and she has not always dealt with it in the best of ways, when she was a teenager Derek nicknamed her Hurricane Amelia." She sighed. "I don't know if she'll ever be able to get over this, but she's doing a lot better than I was expecting and, you know, baby steps. That's all it takes."

He nodded, making a mental note to ask Amelia – in some time – all about her teenage years. It hurt him to see how all these people cared for her and yet she felt so alone all the time, it was a feeling he knew well, but she's lived almost all her life like this and it must be absolutely exhausting.

They heard footsteps getting closer and both realised this conversation was over and forever archived because Amelia didn't need to know about any of this, no matter how she probably already knew that they would almost certainly talk about her. Owen and Addison looked at each other, a complicit look of understanding that meant no more talking about any of this, still Addison would call from time to time to check in and he would still let her sleep with him at night even though he had no idea what it was.

"Just remember I'm great godmother material."

Owen's eyes bulged out of his head, but before he could give an answer – any answer to that, Amelia opened the door holding up her car keys and tossing them at him. They both stood and his hand wrapped around her waist, guiding her out. Amelia looked up at him and he nodded, silently telling her he'd been thoroughly vetted and approved enough to have his hand on her while walking outside, it wasn't like their human contact went much further than that. For now.

* * *

 _This happened in my head and, while the show ruined what was two hours of free reign to work their feelings, I like this a lot better. So in the spirit of denial I'll post this and pretend it did happen instead of what actually did._


End file.
